“If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself.”
George Orwell,


It’s May 1st, and as Mother’s Day approaches I’m back to the cry at stop lights or parking lots and God forbid a sad song comes along. I can’t handle it. I can’t handle sad movies, movies about mothers and children (saw Lion, bawled my way through) and well it’s hitting me hard that I won’t have my daughter for Mother’s Day.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. A lot of ‘what if’s’.  I was with someone for two years and this someone had two grown children. They were 20 and 23 and they treated and talked to their father like absolute shit.  My daughter was witness to this and even though we’d had our fair share of discord, she didn’t start cursing/swearing around me until she heard his children tell their father to fuck off or call him names.

When it comes to others I’m able to see things a mile away.  When it comes to me I can be the biggest idiot.  I should have ran, because why in the world have this type of influence around my daughter? And I know this is why it eventually ended (along with a hundred other things- compatibility being a huge one) but I just wonder what if.  What if they’d never come into the picture and that influence wouldn’t have been around?

And then I think I’m making it all up- looking for excuses, trying to find that one lightbulb moment to try and make sense of my new found world.

I went over to my daughter’s dad’s house recently to speak with him. Some references had been made in the past in gest and I wanted more information on these comments. His mom and siblings always made fun as to how ‘crazy’ he was while he was a teen and how he was sent away to a boarding school.

I asked him to be straight with me and to not make it a joke. I’d lost my kid. I wanted to know if he had ever gotten lost also because at least I knew he came back.  His answer shocked me.  Stopped me in my tracks.  Turns out at 13 he had been sent away for two years because of anger and violence issues within his home. At 16 he was sent back for one year because he pushed his mother down the stairs.  He lived in a similar facility except it wasn’t outdoor therapy- and it wasn’t a ‘find yourself’ program, it was more of early 70s shock therapy until you got it right. He eventually was sent off to boarding school and even though he’s a fully functioning member of society and now the least aggressive person I know, just knowing this ahead of time would have been a huge eye opening moment for me.

Family secrets are funny.  Everyone has them one way or another.  Maybe had I asked more questions or paid better attention I would have been better prepared.  Or maybe not.

Peace & Love.

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