“Sometimes, you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself.” – Unknown
This week we had our weekly call with the therapist. I still don’t quite know what to make of her. She’s somewhat of an enigma to me. Whenever she says something that comes close to a negative connotation about my daughter I want to reach out and shake her even though I agree with her- (but I mean this in the nicest possible way because I’m an adult who plays well with others and would never do this of course). It’s just heard to hear it straight especially when you’ve played pretend for so long. Sometimes I think- she doesn’t know my kid; he’s spent a couple of hours with her, no need to pass judgment! (just yet). And then other times I think- how could I have been so blind to not see this myself?
But I stay quiet and take it all in while taking deep breaths…something I’ve mastered in the last few weeks.
She tells me the kid internalizes everything (true) and has not really shared anything except the superficiality of the work. She shows up, she does her job, doesn’t interact much and goes back to her self made little tarp cave. Going through the motions in hopes of being declared ready to go home. Having learned from the master of illusions, she’s really good at pretending I’m told. She knows what she wants to portray and she is working hard at it. Not letting her guard down at all. As she said this I go back to all the times I told my kid ‘never let them see you’re scared’ or ‘don’t show all your cards at once’. Sounded like good advice at the time- but damn, she’s good.
She told me about Easter, about her school work- she had to read Ophelia Speaks and then write about at least five chapters that touched her the most and why. Again, the ones she chose were all directly related to me. She wrote about the chapter titled “Mothers” and she said it touched her deeply because she read conversations we have actually had- like me asking her why she felt the need to treat me so badly to impress her friends. And what followed was a half page apology for her behaviors despite my sacrifices.
She also chose “Disintegrating Foundations” about divorce and it was sad for me as well. She stood by me and chose me and will continue to stand by me. One parent being left alone despite it all and she hopes that someday her dad meets her halfway when it comes to their relationship. The last one I’ll talk about is “Death in the Family”. This one bothered me the most. She confessed that she’s been having horrible nightmares that I die while she’s gone and she will forever regret our last goodbye because it wasn’t a goodbye at all and she never really told me her true feelings which she hopes she can convey with her written word. This broke my heart.
Even though she keeps asking me to come home something about her letters this week was different. She shared so much about the stars and the night’s sky (asked for a map of the stars so she could figure them out) and how she’s never seen such beauty. She shared so many different anecdotes about nature and being so far away from everything and everyone, I got a different feeling from her. She went on and on about the beauty of it and how she wished she could share it with me and I could see how bright the stars shine and how she can’t believe we live in this type of place that affords such beauty.
She was able to ‘bust a fire’ with a bow and the pride in her writing was shining through. As a reward she was given all the ingredients to make smores- and the way to this kid’s heart is through chocolate so I think even with all her written hatred of this place, deep inside she’s getting something out of this for herself.
During the conversation between the kid and the therapist, after some time of quietness, the therapist said to her: “you know, you can’t expect your parents to do all the work and you just stay here and do or say nothing”. To which she responded: “I know my mom would…and she’d go to the moon if she had to go get me.” Even though she was being sassy I loved hearing this- she knows I love her and how much I love her and how I would move mountains to get to her if I needed to.
But right now I know this is where she needs to be so I’ll just sit still.
Peace and love.