Where to even begin?


“A positive attitude may not solve all your problems but that is the only option we have if we want to get out of problems.”- Subdoh Gupta

 

I’m stressed and anxious so I write. My life is a huge jumbled mess right now- an oxymoron of sorts.  If it weren’t for the couple of things going right at this moment, my tunnel vision would have taken over and I probably wouldn’t be here enjoying some moments of peace, sharing with friends and hell, sometimes even laughing.

I honestly don’t know where it all went wrong but I do know when things started to go wrong. Does that even make sense?  It does to me. I guess I can start at the very beginning:

April 1, 1999 I jokingly told my then fiance, “guess what? I’m pregnant”.  He was in Boston for business while I tended to the home in Florida.  Thing is joke was on me. Upon his return and before my first visit to the doctor he told me he no longer wanted a relationship with me. He went as far as asking if he were to ask me to end the pregnancy, would I do that?  Talk about a punch in the gut.

From that moment on, I knew I was in this on my own. No matter what happened after that moment, my decisions all centered in trying to figure things out and fast. No matter how much pain I was going through, I needed to stay positive. I needed to be sharp and I needed to survive.

I went home for a few weeks, trying to clear my head. I came back to the US but went to Boston where it had all begun, not Florida and started my journey as a single mom with baby in tow.  The father, we’ll call him D, was in and out of my life throughout my pregnancy.   What is supposed to be the happiest moment in most women’s lives, was a lonely and sad one for me at times. As it got closer to my daughter being born, D came back around and said he would be willing to work it out for our daughter’s sake.

My daughter was born on a cool December afternoon and the minute I met her, she changed my life forever. I had never felt love until I met her.

Life with D was not without problems as was expected. Ours was not a healthy relationship so eventually, even before my daughter was two, it was over. After a quite contentious custody battle, and a marriage later (D married someone during this process) it was done. Or so I thought.  What ensued were continous battles- and not even because D wanted to see our child. Mostly because he still wanted to punish me for eventually leaving the relationship for one reason or another. Despite the reality of the situation, he said it was me who ‘broke’ our family.

During the custody battle I also met someone- and that relationship, even though it did not materialize the way I had hoped for during that time, turned out to be the catalyst that changed my relationship with D into what it is today: we actually get along. And we can actually work together like a well oiled machine- now parenting? a totally different story. Either way, that’s my beginning.

To be continued…

Peace & Love

 

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